Thursday, September 1, 2016

Dear previous homeowner

Red is definitely not my color. 

But bless your heart,  you seemed to think it was yours judging by the kitchen walls, my office wall, and the basement floor.

In fact I found your THREE gallons of red paint you stowed away for a rainy case they stopped making red???

And brown, dear God you love the color brown.

It's nice that the entire house is so uniform, it means that I get to redo EVERY room to rid of the brown and red you so adore.

I really appreciated you leaving me those three bags full of empty bags and that huge box full of boxes. I'm sure they will come in handy, unike your wrapping paper collection which spans a couple of generations.

Really though,  what made you FINALLY let that go?

It's nice that I have so much companionship though in your house,  what with the huge black cochroaches in the kitchen and the various spiders in the basement.

When I was sweeping what was probably 3 years of cat litter dust off the floor I hit a Web and came face to face with a spider who was barely smaller than a Buick.

I couldnt tell what kind of spider he was, angry is my best guess.
Hopefully aragog doesnt decide he's hungry enough to ingest any of my pets.

Also, is your son feeling drafty? Because I found two pairs of his underwear under the dryer. I didn't feel very maternal picking them up either, in fact, it made me feel really awkward holding a little boys (hopefully) clean underwear alone in a dimly lit basement.

No wonder that reciepts I found had only two purchases on it. Detergent, and candy. The basement laundry makes me feel sad too.

Really though, I feel like you had my best interests in mind with your home decor ideas.
I mean, how simple to change the linoleum in the bathroom when it's not even glued down AT ALL!!! genius.

And the pool, you sure did save us some hassle of swimming these last two weeks while we were trying to clear it up.  You silly bird, the pool guy said that pump has likely not worked for months!
 But since it's not secured down or even filled with sand it will be super easy to change out!

I guess what I'm trying to say here is, thanks.
And I hope you choke you filthy whore.

The NEW homeowners

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