Monday, March 27, 2017

Deep thoughts about a Caboodles box

Surely I'm not the only I've who still has  (and uses) my caboodles box from junior high school?


This thing has to be at least 15 years old.
And I cannot bring myself to get rid of it.

Every few years I empty it out, throwing away old makeup that's busted or dried out or just ugly.

I spend some time polishing the mirror and cleaning all the dust and eyeliner smudges out.

I usually do this about when it gets too full or too dirty to look at, and tonight was one such night.

I was standing at the kitchen sink and thinking about my teenage years,  all the houses this caboodles box was hefted to.

It was with me in my most tumultuous times and the lock still clicks,  the mirror still shines, and the handle is still firmly attached.

This caboodles box went with me when I moved out on my own for the first time,  with a no good guy and then it came home to the safehaven of my dad's with me one dark night when I rushed to grab everything before the boy came home and I couldn't get away.

This box saw my tiny bathroom of my first real home away from my parents.
It saw me dancing in front of the bathroom mirror like a loon when Brandon kissed me for the first time.

It joined me on my wedding day, hurriedly writing vows in the bathroom stall.

It kept my makeup securely contained when I moved,  and moved,  and moved.

This box sat on my countertop while I injected meds into my stomach,  my hips,  and my tush.

It bore witness to the pregnancy test turning positive,  as I sobbed gratefully into my husbands shoulder.

And it stood guard as I cried less grateful tears a few days later.

This caboodles box has seen me go from an insecure bubbly teenager to an insecure anxious woman.

The makeup may have changed,  going from NYC and wet and wild to lipsense and Revlon, but the contents are the same.



The insides of this box tell the story of a woman who tries so hard to be more,  I'd like to think it will be there when she succeeds.

xoxo
ME

Saturday, January 21, 2017

This poor ottoman

I just won't let it die in peace.

You may remember my previous post regarding my poor ottoman.

Where I took it from :

THIS

To this. 

Well for several months it's looked more like this....
Yep. Sad story.

You see, I am not a very good upholsterer it turns out, and over time a whole side of my gorgeous grey fabric fell off. And I thought "this is my chance to re-do it correctly."
So I ripped the rest of the fabric off, bought new, then proceeded to just throw a blanket over it and procrastinate.

But it's in my bedroom,  I see it all the time. 
It's so awful.
But all my research on the Internet did not render me a good ottoman sewing tutorial where the top was separate, so despite my desire to do it right I decided I was just tired of looking at it.

Yet again I did it the easy/fast way instead of the right way, you know what that means?
In a year or two I'll recover it again. 

Oh well!
For now I'll show you how I did it, in case you want to poorly recover your own ottoman--

first,  gather your supplies... a few yards of lovely velvety fabric
And one ugly ottoman.
(Weenie dog optional)

Lay your fabric out, good side down

And lay the top of the ottoman face down on top

You may notice I added a piece of paneling to the bottom, this will make sense someday. 

Then start pulling your fabric over, pulling taut and stapling  

When you get to a corner think gift wrapping

And all the way around. 

Then grab the bottom of the ottoman and repeat

Cut off any excess fabric that may get in the way of your ottoman legs

Gotta keep the leg holes clear yo'

Place your ottoman top on the ground,  and lay on top the ottoman bottom
Lining up the way you want them to be attached

Go steal your husbands new cordless drill and grab 4 wood screws (I'll probably end up adding more screws since it's a bit flimsy)

Screw me.

Add your legs 

Turn it over and Weep tears of joy

Put it at the end of the bed and sigh in relief that it's much less ugly. 

And that's my Saturday. 
Awesome.

xoxo
ME 


Thursday, September 1, 2016

Dear previous homeowner

Red is definitely not my color. 

But bless your heart,  you seemed to think it was yours judging by the kitchen walls, my office wall, and the basement floor.

In fact I found your THREE gallons of red paint you stowed away for a rainy day.....in case they stopped making red???

And brown, dear God you love the color brown.

It's nice that the entire house is so uniform, it means that I get to redo EVERY room to rid of the brown and red you so adore.

I really appreciated you leaving me those three bags full of empty bags and that huge box full of boxes. I'm sure they will come in handy, unike your wrapping paper collection which spans a couple of generations.

Really though,  what made you FINALLY let that go?

It's nice that I have so much companionship though in your house,  what with the huge black cochroaches in the kitchen and the various spiders in the basement.

When I was sweeping what was probably 3 years of cat litter dust off the floor I hit a Web and came face to face with a spider who was barely smaller than a Buick.

I couldnt tell what kind of spider he was, angry is my best guess.
Hopefully aragog doesnt decide he's hungry enough to ingest any of my pets.

Also, is your son feeling drafty? Because I found two pairs of his underwear under the dryer. I didn't feel very maternal picking them up either, in fact, it made me feel really awkward holding a little boys (hopefully) clean underwear alone in a dimly lit basement.

No wonder that reciepts I found had only two purchases on it. Detergent, and candy. The basement laundry makes me feel sad too.

Really though, I feel like you had my best interests in mind with your home decor ideas.
I mean, how simple to change the linoleum in the bathroom when it's not even glued down AT ALL!!! genius.

And the pool, you sure did save us some hassle of swimming these last two weeks while we were trying to clear it up.  You silly bird, the pool guy said that pump has likely not worked for months!
 But since it's not secured down or even filled with sand it will be super easy to change out!

I guess what I'm trying to say here is, thanks.
And I hope you choke you filthy whore.

xoxo
The NEW homeowners

Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Happy..... toss-back tuesday?

Idk, I never remember this stuff on throwback Thursday,  so this is what you get.

Brandon and I are officially homeowners!
We closed on our first home on Monday August 22nd.
On Thursday we had the electricity in the garage stop working.
On Friday someone broke into our fenced backyard and stole our bbq grill and a BRAND NEW outdoor yard game I'd bought for the family to play on moving day.
On Saturday we found out that our bedroom is neither drywall or paneling,  just cardboard and wallpaper over wood slat walls.
On Sunday we found out that the pool pump may need replaced as it is just spitting sand and gunk back into the pool.
And today we found out that the pool pump is broken internally and has to be replaced in entirety.
Oh and Brandon started a new job, and today he found out that he may have to work on moving day.

So, I may be asking my family to help me move and not really being able to hold my own because I'm fat and out of shape.
Then they cannot even swim and eat yummy grilled food because the grill dude isn't going to be there and my "pool" is more of anew above ground pond at this point.

It hasn't been a smooth start to say the least.
I'm a tad stressed.

But I'm sure all our problems will have quick,if not expensive, solutions.
And EVENTUALLY we will have some peace and MAYBE even get to enjoy owning our own home.

Eventually.

Anyway,  on a lighter note I was packing a bit of my office/disaster craft hole up and found this list from when Brandon and I rented this TINY TINY apartment and the walls were not even remotely insulated.

This is a list I put together one day of "things my neighbor MIGHT be doing "

1.teaching an ostrich to flaminco
2.playing wii sumo masters
3.wrestling a greased piglet
4.having a seizure while wearing full armor
5.totally winning at "King of the mountain"
6.learning to ride a unicycle
7.juggling cannonballs

And she must've quieted down because that's where my list ends.

So, although I am stressed beyond stress right now I'm counting on one day experiencing the bliss of a space all my own and counting my lucky stars I'll never have to write a list like that one again.

Prayers and margaritas are welcome until then.

xoxo
ME

Thursday, May 26, 2016

The horrible , awful, no good relationship with my in-laws

You know those people who tell you that they love their mother in law, and you can tell that they actually mean it?

SURPRISE! I'm not one of them.

To clarify, I tolerate my in-laws. We get together on holidays, we exchange gifts, we laughed, we joke, we all go home and talk s*** about each other.

I guess my mother-in-law is not a horrible person in the sense that she doesn't go around drowning bags of kittens or dumping random elderly people out of their wheelchairs.

 But deep deep down, my mother-in-law is just not a very good person. Or maybe it's that she's just not a very good mother. I don't know anymore.

My viewpoint is so tainted by frustration at this point that I just really think they are all horrible people.

And they probably think I am a horrible person. And this is my life.

Let me give you the rundown on why I am so frustrated, in an average day my husband's grandmother drives by our house at least one time, my husband's father drive past our house at least one time, and my mother-in-law drives past our house at least one time.

Which if we didn't ever see them and they didn't ever point out that they had driven by it may not be quite as frustrating, but what we get instead is a slap in the face and a complete disregard for privacy on a daily basis.

My husband's grandmother is convinced that I am a worthless piece of crap and cannot keep a job. When she drives past the house on a daily basis she then called my husband to complain because my car is here and is he sure that I am still working???

People, I work from home.

My mother-in-law drives past our house, on her way to work, and sometimes she will stop and knock on the door and get the dogs all riled up to give my husband a silicone gel packet, or a piece of expired mail of Brandon's which by the way she has opened and read.

My father-in-law drives past our house on a daily basis on his way to work, and sometimes he stops and gets the dogs all riled up, just to say hi. Mostly, he just wants to complain about my husband's grandmother and how awful of a human being she is. It's usually in the early hours of the morning and Brandon is not awake yet which culminates in Brandon being grouchy all day because he was woken up early for no reason.

I'll give you three guesses who gets to deal with Brandon the rest of the day while he's a grouchy crab!

Sometimes they drive past our house on more than one occasion per day, like yesterday when Brandon's dad apparently drove past the house last night while Brandon and I were out house hunting. I know this because he called to ask us where we were, why we were there, why did we take my car?

It's shit like this all day, every day.

It is not a secret, although I have not blogged about it yet, but Brandon and I are attempting to buy our first home. We have been looking for a few weeks now, found several options that we really liked, even made an offer on one that we liked quite a bit! But alas, it was not meant to be. Our offer was not accepted and we are still looking.

Unfortunately, it is not a secret from Brandon's family either that we are looking for our home.

Ever since he told his family about a week ago that we were going to buy a house they have been non stop jumping up our ass daily about, have we found a house yet? Where are we looking?
" Johnson City? Where at in Johnson City? What street is it on? How do you get there?"

" oh, you don't want to move to West Frankfort, nothing is there."

" no, Benton is too far you don't need to be looking in Benton."

And this is where I am now with this, I am so extremely frustrated by these people trying to tell me what to do and make my decisions for me that I feel like a toddler throwing a tantrum.

Today Brandon's mother gave him a call while I happened to be on lunch break to let him know that she had stopped by the realtor and gotten a book of houses for sale in the area, and apparently she also highlighted the ones she liked.

Did you read that last line people? Are you still with me? she highlighted the ones that SHE liked.

I swear to God, I might be foaming at the mouth right now.

WHO THE FUCK DO THESE PEOPLE THINK THAT THEY ARE?!?

Do they honestly, in real life, I think that this is any anyway their decision? In what world do the parents pick out the house that their children are going to be purchasing, with their own damned money?

Do you think that my Super Hyper controlling independent mother-in-law had someone telling her what has she was allowed to buy?
No, of course not, because that's not how it works. But of course that's how THEY think it works.

Brandon has been steamrolled, and manipulated and controlled by his family his entire life. And as a full grown adult, he makes zero effort to tell them to f****** stop

He just listens to what they have to say agrees with them, and then does what he wants to do anyway. The problem with this, is that they still think that they have a say in his literally every decision.

Decisions such as:
 *should I take this job offer?
 *what car should I buy?
 *should I spend money on that item?
 *should I have a nice date with my spouse, and where will this date take place?
Oh, and my favorite so far
 *should we have children?

Guys, I am losing my s***. Because these people that are trying to control my husband, are in effect controlling me.

I find myself screaming and stomping like a toddler throwing a fit over a broken sugar cookie right now, and I can't seem to make myself snap out of it.

 I am finally at the breaking point.

If you have any super helpful advice about how to deal with in-laws, other than just keep your mouth shut and pretend like everything's okay, please feel free to message me now.

Please, before I end up on the news.

Xoxo
ME

Thursday, December 3, 2015

An open letter to one of my dearest friends

we made it.

I have know you now for several years, I've been here with you through your toughest struggle and you've held my hand through mine.

I just want you to know I appreciate you.
We made it!
We're happy! Our  lives are perfect now and we have the facebook posts to prove it!

and also we're dirty dirty liars.

When we were talking at lunch and you were telling me about your sister's 7th pregnancy and we both laughed and commented on what a rockstar she is, we were so normal. so together. Hell, I didn't comment on punching your sister in the ovary a single time--- because I've healed. at least on the surface.

I just wanted you to know that it's okay if you are broken, because I'm broken too.
I don't think anyone can go through what we have-- you especially--and come out whole.

and that's okay.
I've come to realize that it's okay to not be okay.
not all the time, not part of the time, not ever.

you have earned the right to curse and cry and generally not be okay.
but you don't do any of those things, you've found contentment and genuine happiness, as I have in my own life.



We are two strong superhero women who can be completely shattered and stand there and hold ourselves together with sheer stubborn willpower.
We can stand here and have a conversation about someone else having a baby and neither of us are angry, or sad. we can even make witty remarks and spread positive reinforcement.

I know that other people probably expect you to be "over it" and to be all better--- like having a magical boo boo kissed by the wonderful blessings in your life; but I want you to know that I'm still broken, I probably always will be.

And it's okay if you are too.
I still love you.

xoxo
ME

Monday, August 17, 2015

Doggie Diapers... who knew?

So it all started a couple of months ago--- well, technically 2 months and ten days ago.

Brandon and I were sitting on the front porch, catching up as he'd just gotten home from work-- and he looks out toward the street and says "what is that? Is that a cat?"

Well you KNOW that got my attention. but as I crept closer and closer in the dark I could see that it was NOT  a cat, but a very small and frail looking doggie.

She had severe allergies. most of her fur was gone-- and she was quite obviously malnourished and dehydrated. she was just lethargic bless her heart.

So we did what we thought best, and called the dog lady-- my mother in law. If ANYBODY could tell you what's wrong, and what needs to be tended to for a doggie in need Tracie has all the info you could ever need.

Of course she fell in love, named her Maddie and the puppy girl now has a clean bill of health (although still not much butt fur. lol)

One thing about miss Maddie is that she was apparently neglected and was possibly over bred-- she has little in the way of potty manners in the house. .. so She wears Diapers.... DOGGIE diapers.

Tracie asked me to make a few pair for her, so I documented the first attempt for your viewing pleasure.

I did go to Tracie's house and outline the shape of her already existing diaper, so I could get an idea of the correct dimensions-- then I downloaded and printed the doggie diaper pattern from: http://tammyinwv.blogspot.com/2012/01/doggy-diaper-for-small-females.html

 So I printed my pattern, and cut it out three times--- once for the fleece inside, once for the patterned outside, and once in PUL fabric-- poly urethane laminate -- it is waterproofed and used in making cloth diapers for human babies.
 in researching cloth diaper making I saw what appeared to be a pain in the tush for "hidden" pul lining-- that was the slippery-ness of the fabric itself-- so being a quilter, I decided to baste my pul to the patterned fabric shiny side out.
 worked like a charm, adhered really well. and the basting spray will wash out.
as you can see, I basted "wrong sides together".
 Then I placed my "right sides" together of my fleece lining fabric and my patterned fabric.
 sew sew sew around that diaper at about 1/4 inch seam allowance.
 Make sure you leave at least 2 inches opened so you can turn the diaper right side out!
 next I cut two pieces of elastic for the legs--- I cut them at 9.5 inches, but trimmed them a bit-- they ended up being around 7.5 inches in the legs, and honestly could use to be even shorter!
 I was terrified to put the elastic INSIDE the inside out diaper and sew it in--- so I played it safe and zig zagged the elastic to the edges of the legs pulling it taut as I sewed.
 now you can turn it right side out!
 Sew a 1/4 inch seam around the outside of the diaper, rolling the fabric so the inside fleece is not showing as you sew.--- when you get to your opening for turning just tuck it in and sew like it isn't open at all.
 Time to decide where the tail goes! the pattern does have a designated tail hole, but I find that it is much too large, and about an inch off from where it needs to be for Maddie-- so next time I'll move it and make it a bit smaller.
 paced a pin where I wanted the tail, and then cut out a circle
 it's okay if your circle is kindof "ruff" lol. dog pun!
 I made a quick 1/2 inch binding strip and went around the circle, closing it in and finishing it.
 then I made a skirt... I know-- but I couldn't just NOT make a skirt. I ruffled it and attached above the tail opening.
 skiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirt.
 you can see where I attached it, in kindof a half moon ish shape to the diaper.
 time to add velcro B*tches! (another dog pun!)
 ermagerd, diaper is finished!!!
 lookit! isn't it so sweet???
 And then all I had left to do was tale it to miss Maddie and let her try it on!
 She liked it I swear!
***fin***
As I said, this was just my first attempt, next time I'll move the tail and make the waist about two inches wider--- all in all though, good project!
xoxo
ME